I have met so many people who say, "If Colorado has such a low unemployment rate, then why is it so hard to get a job?" This sentiment has been echoed so many times by people I know or whom I have met in various venues. I know one person who spent six months looking for a job before landing something she could do, despite it not paying more than minimum wage and not really being what she wanted to do for work.
So, the big question is: where exactly are the jobs?
The news media constantly talks about job creation and unemployment nationwide. President Trump constantly brags about the new jobs that have been created during his tenure as president.
Yet again, where are those jobs? More and more companies are filing for bankruptcy in the recent retail apocalypse, especially in the wake of COVID-19.
Classified advertising, once the domain for companies seeking employees and people seeking employment, have become a thing of the past as Facebook, Craigslist, Zip Recruiter, apps and other means have become common ways for people to seek employment.
Companies who buy classified advertising in newspapers probably figure their terminology will be easily understood by those reading them. There are always a few phrases that crop up in employment ads - even those online - that may need further clarification. When I see the phrase "Dream Job" in employment ads I immediately get suspicious.
My first thought after, "Yeah, right" is, "What else is this company lying about?"
But, believe it or not, there are actually some people who believe the things that they read in the classifieds or in an online advertisement.
So, to make it easier for everyone to understand what employers are looking for, here is my personal guide to some of the choicest phrases available for employment advertisement puffery and what they really mean. Trust me when I say this, most of these I have experienced first hand, so I am speaking from experience here. Before filling out the application for the "Dream Job," consider this.
Equal Opportunity Employer: We abuse everyone equally.
Pleasant Surroundings: You will share a cubicle with a nice copy machine.
On-Site Cafeteria: We do not let you leave the building for lunch.
Cheerful Staff: Employees sedate themselves before reporting to work. And, since this is Colorado, they quite likely smoked some marijuana beforehand.
Competitive Salary: Our company is in competition for the title of Worst Payer in the Fortune 500.
Send Salary History: So we will know what we can get away with paying you.
Generous Benefits: But only if you own either the business or the building in which it is located.
Profit Sharing: Not after our accountants finish with the books.
Advancement Possible: If you happen to have an active fantasy life.
Opportunity for Advancement: Only out the nearest exit door.
We Promote From Within: From within the owner's gene pool, that is.
Rare Opportunity: We cannot give this job away. Trust us, we have actually tried.
Family-Owned Business: Do the words dysfunctional family ring a bell?
First In Our Field: Everyone else had the good sense to get out while they could.
Industry Leader: We recently swallowed up most of our competitors. Do the names Wal-Mart and Amazon come to mind?
In Expansion Mode: Still have one or two competitors left, which we will have taken over before the end of the year.
Flextime: Guess who gets to be flexible?
Family-Friendly: Guess who's family?
State Of The Art Technology: It was state-of-the-art when we bought it at a fire sale over a decade ago, or at the turn of the last century.
Must Be Able To Do It All: We got a bit carried away with our recent downsizing and you will be the only one here most of the time.
Candidate Must Provide Leadership and Motivation: Well, obviously, someone has to. It might as well be you.
Must Be Detail Oriented: Because you will be reporting to a space cadet, or worse yet, in this day and age, a robot.
College Degree Preferred: We prefer, and will hire, a person with a PhD, but this allows us to pay 20 grand less.
On The Job Training: You will be paper training the boss's dog.
Highly Visible Position: You will either have a desk right near the restroom, right next to the cafeteria, or near a window where everyone can see you as they pass by the office on the street outside.
And, before you, dear reader, start thinking all these interesting and puffery phrases are found only in employment advertisements, here are a few from resumes for all those employers seeking just the right candidate for all the above positions. A word to the wise, make sure your resume does not contain these phrases if you are serious about getting the job for which you have applied.
Detail Orinted Individual: Except when it comes to proofreading your own resume. (i.e. detail oriented).
Call Me At Work To Schedule An Interview: Their current employer is not concerned with the volume or content of personal calls.
Mailed in Company Envelope With Company Postage: Current employer is generous with the supplies. They can help reduce your budgeted expenditures with the stash they have accumulated from their current employer.
Specal Skills: May include anything, except spelling, obviously. (i.e. special skills).
Other Equipment Operated: Fax Machine: They had to put something in that space.
Hand Written Resume: They prefer a personal touch, but will take a computer course if absolutely essential for the job.
Looking For A Job With Advancement Opportunity: They will work hard until they can get someone else to perform the work for them.
Available Immediately or Willing To Relocate: Willing to leave their current employer without any notice whatsoever.
Want A Job That Will Utilize My Skills: Theirs are already limited and they are seeking a job that does not require many.
Education (Listing Elementary School): A courtesy, just in case it is a close call between two candidates and you might need to obtain a transcript from that second-grade teacher.
Willing To Work Flexible Hours: They will work for you whenever they can conveniently fit it into their own personal schedule.
Outgoing Personality: They will be out whenever you need them the most.
Quick Learner: They have never in their entire life performed this type of work before, but are willing to get paid by you while they learn how to do it.
I hope everyone reading this (If anyone actually does read this) found this somewhat entertaining. My goal is not to inform, but to merely entertain. After all, that is what "Off The Beaten Path" is all about. If you did not find it somewhat entertaining, then I guess you can chalk it up to that shallow gene pool I have mentioned before and refer to often.
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